Her Heart Wants What It Wants

It’s raining outside. That’s just another day in the December. The city is so cold and hazy that you can barely see your own feet leap in the ground. But she doesn’t care. As you can see her shivering body was soaked by the raindrop. White t-shirt and the skinny jeans she wears are all wet. She doesn’t even bring an umbrella or jacket or anything else you would have brought in this cold weather. She just keeps walking along the street. The warm-and-well-clothed lady she passed by was staring at her in wonder. But she doesn’t care. All the people she met was bringing an umbrella and wearing something but t-shirt. Some couples are standing under the tree.

One boy, as her eyes catch, extends his arm to the girl next to him, trying to keep her warm. She still doesn’t care. Her head nods for a while as her body was unable to confine the cold. She was trembling heavily. Her step is stopped. All of sudden she feels like the air is choking her throat. She cried for a help but it was useless since there is nobody there, or there is no one recognize her existence. Her mind is collapsed, and so is her body. At the end of her conscious, she feels a hand gripping her from the back, preventing her backbone falls hitting the cold and wet ground.

“Liz? Liza!”

It was a voice. Is it Emma? Or Mum? No, it couldn’t be mum. Mum is always busy managing her own world. Or is it him? That would be the last from a million possibilities. Without any sentience, a tear is falling down her cheek. Why is she crying? The hands are now wrapped around her body. For a moment she felt warm, so warm that her mind is wandering flashback seeking the related memories she keeps deep inside. “I’ll take you home. What are you doing in this weather walking along the street with bare feet, you silly!”

It was that voice again. Now she can assure it is Emma, her roommate. She tries to open her eyes and stand. Emma got her back. The rain still falls. First step, the unconscious completely took over her body, causing her falling with her shoulder a side. Scarcely, she heard Emma was screaming her name, shaking her body trying to wake her up. But her eyes won’t cooperate. And it feels like the gravity is much bigger pulling her body to the earth. Her body is numb.

“Kev..” that was the last word she said before she completely sink in her comatose.

—

“Ready for tonight, milady?”

The owner of familiar baritone voice with a little French accent was standing at my door. From across the room I could smell the Charlie White fragrance from his suit, wrapping the air in my chamber. His gaze was spotting on me intensively. Tonight, I wore a black sleeveless Armani dress with black T-strap heels suited perfectly. My skin face was carved with Emma’s masterpiece. She called so for the fact that she, or we, needed three hours to make me look like the girl on the vogue magazine. At least that’s what Emma said.

“Oh my gosh Liz! This is your big day. You should look stunning for tonight!” said Emma repeatedly. I couldn’t be more disagree.
“Em, do you think he is going to utter it now?” I couldn’t restrain a smile from my lips. And it was getting wider as Emma nodded her head, convincing my last question.
“I will make you feel like Cinderella tonight. Happy birthday, Liza.”

Right after Kevin finished his sentence, he took my hand and held it gently. I could feel the sparkle spreading inside my stomach.
“Take me as you wish, and as I am.” I feel like the luckiest birthday girl in the universe.
We went to a resort and booked one candle light dinner table. Classy, I knew. But as long as I was with him, the place, time, and situation wouldn’t be matter anymore.
“Liz, you know that we’ve been being friend for five years or even more as I can remember. For me, you ain’t someone else. So, tonight I’m going to declare to you something.”
Emma is right! I couldn’t be more happy.
“Say it, Kev. Anything you want to.” I never stopped smiling.

—

She feels warm. As her eyes open she can see the rose-printed blanket is covering her body, protecting her from the cold outside. She can smell chamomile scent span around her, very familiar. It takes a second for her to realize she is in her dormitory. “What happened?” she wonders. But when she is trying to remember, she moans as the pain inside her head is popping up suddenly. There is a footstep approaching, it is Emma’s.

“You were fainted, again. Where have you been, Liz?” Emma asked. She just drops her gaze, avoiding Emma’s daunting look. She keeps silent.
“Did you go there again? For goodness sake, Liz. Please stop doing that!”
“Where’s my phone, Em? Did you bring it?” she glanced at Emma.

“Seriously?” Emma rolls her eyes.
“Please, I need to check it whether mum’s calling.”
“Or him?”
“Emm, just please.” She stares at Emma with her swollen eyes, indicating Liza was crying, again. Emma gasps for a while. She just can’t watch Liza suffering against the same thing again and again. She gave up. Emma grabs her bag, takes a phone out, and gives it to Liza.
“It was ringing for couple times and it wasn’t your mum. I don’t know what he is thinking. But Liz, if you want to hear me, just don’t pick that up again.”

Emma’s right. She thinks. As she checks her phone, it was displayed that there’re 9 missed calls and three same-content message. It was Kevin. It was all Kevin. Where are you? Is everything fine? Liz please pick it up. Should I go to your dorm? I heard from Emma that you were fainted yesterday. I’m on my way! I know you’re home.

She gasps. The hidden pain she is trying to bury deep inside her heart rebels to quit. Without she knows, her tear is streaming down her cheeks. The waterfall is in her face. But she doesn’t care. The pain is beating on her chest like a drum, but she doesn’t care. From the outside, she can hear Emma is talking with someone, he is Kevin. Deep from her heart, she knows that she really wants to run after him, see his arms wrapped her cold shoulder, and say that everything will be alright. But she still doesn’t care.

—

“I am about to marry, Liz. What do you think?”
The words that came out from him were like a thunder seizing my veins. I was shocked.
“What do you mean?” I glanced at him in a complete perplexity.
“I know I never told about this to you before. I just need more time to assure myself before I asked you for something. So, Liz. Next three months, I’m about to hold my wedding party. Are you willing to be her bridesmaid?”

“You are getting married? Whoa, Kev. I mean, congratulations. Who’s that lucky girl?”
My feet started crumbling. Was this reality? All of sudden I felt like my chest was bleeding. I could barely breathe. I’m in panic. My hands looked for a grip.
“She is Sally. The girl next door of my apartment.”
“Kev, do you know who her father is?”

I tried to look okay. Kevin just grinned as I said so. I found nothing to say. Both of us were in silence. For couple times I could hear him calling my name, shaking my hands. But it was useless. I can barely feel anything. I was trying to say something but the only thing came out from my mouth were murmured words I couldn’t even understand. Before I knew, I already fainted, shoving the full wine bottle next to me. Under my unconscious, I could feel the piece of wine bottle embed at my hands. My arm was bleeding, but the only pain I felt was right in my heart. It was my 22nd birthday. From that time, I knew that it would be my last birthday I celebrated with him. From that time, I didn’t want to be Cinderella anymore. From that time, I plumped myself not to care anymore.

—

It was almost a year after her 22nd birthday. And it was almost seven months since Kevin and Sally are married. She didn’t attend at his wedding. How could she? She is still in sober. She looks for recovery but the only thing she gets to know is how deep her unspoken and unrequited love is. The rain is still falling. “Em, please let me to see her. I need to know if she is okay.”

All the way through the heavy rains splash, his baritone voice is still can be heard by her ears.
“You know what Kev, I think Liza can only be better without you. Have you always been this stupid?” Emma answered him with her rage on. She can’t be blamed.
“Please. Let me talk to her. I promise you nothing will happen. Please, Em.” Kevin begged.
“She’s not home.” Without any hesitation Emma slams the door, leaving Kevin outside with the silence rain.
Her heart is tore a bit anytime she saw him begging and trying like that. But she is already too afraid. She is too afraid to let herself begin to care again. She is too afraid to let him take his old place she already conceals so hard.

The rain is still falling. All the way through the heavy rains splash, she can see a familiar car moving away from her sight. She can smell the Charlie White scent from the distant, start to fading until it’s all gone. Even though a blanket has been coating on her, she still feels some peculiar cold inside of her. But she doesn’t care. Her cheeks are wet, again. Those swollen eyes seem never can be recovered. But she doesn’t care. The time ain’t done much healing. The only thing she knows that her heart wants what it wants. And that is all she cares.